r4wr…

An average blog by an average rawr

Archive for the ‘life’ Category

Randomness

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I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to say here, I just felt a need to get some things out that are currently driving me up the wall.  I’ll start with the most current and also the biggest issue on my mind – Audrey.

What the hell is up with her?  She’s 26 but acts like a spoiled brat that’s maybe 12 at most.  If I’m not all lovey and calling her baby and other frankly vomit inducing crap 24/7 she goes all weird on me despite the fact she knows my situation and that one day I can be sort of ok and the next be really down.  I’ve not hidden anything from her, I’ve been open and honest so she either doesn’t understand or is choosing to ignore it.

I don’t want to go into specifics right now and I’ll just say that overall the things she does make me wonder if I should stick with it until she visits or call it off before it gets to that point.  I’ve got enough to deal with without having to wonder if she’s going to be all stroppy and childish.  The reason I’ve been given so far is that she doesn’t like to be serious and spends all day being serious at school / college / uni / whatever you want to call it.  That’s fair, right?  I’m not allowed to be serious or bring things up that might be a concern because it’d be serious, ooh no can’t have that!  In my usual bluntness I told her she has to grow up fast.  Time will tell huh?

Let’s see.. what else is bothering me?  I guess my overall apathy to everything and everyone.  I don’t want to talk to anyone, at all.  I can’t force it because I end up being really snappy, sarcastic and anxiety turns to anger.  How do I deal with it?  Avoidance..  I’m *still* waiting for something to be sorted out with the various people supposedly helping me but yet again I’m forced to wait on other people.  The past two weeks where I had thought something was going to happen, nothing happened.  Why?  The guy who said I’m not fit for work was on holiday and nobody has dealt with it while he’s been away.  I don’t begrudge him a holiday but for crying out loud!  Couldn’t somebody else have done what was needed and written to my doctor in that time?  I’m so sick of waiting on other people where it’s out of my hands.  I feel like I’m permanently waiting and wasting my life away.  Good times..

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Written by r4wr

June 17, 2009 at 1:05 am

Interweb semi-hiatus

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I figured I might as well put this here since I seem to be taking a semi-hiatus from interwebbing. Blah de blah, feeling antisocial in general which is annoying. I want to mess around with some things but there are so few times when I feel ok enough to do them. In conclusion, blah!

Written by r4wr

May 4, 2009 at 11:46 am

Posted in blog, life, random

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Driving license required

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I got a call on Monday from a job recruitment place, it caught me off guard to start with because I haven’t signed up to anywhere.  It turns out they were looking for people for a job that sounds just ideal for me but then came the deal breaker – no driving license.  It was a job in a nearby city where I’d be going to various client sites to fix problems.  It’s annoying because this isn’t the first job I’d love to have applied for that require a driving license.  There’s no way to get around this either because there is no way for me to get a license on the little money that unemployment pays.

How do you get a license or even lessons when you can barely pay the bills you have currently?  It’s so frustrating!  The worst part is that there are FREE lessons available to people who live in a really crappy area, more crappy than the area I live in, but still in the same city.  How unfair is it that an area that is quite literally full of criminals, thugs and drug users get this big advantage and no other areas do?  I’ve asked if there’s anything similar available or any other way that I could get something similar but there’s nothing.  Grrrr!!

Written by r4wr

March 10, 2009 at 10:54 pm

Posted in jobs, life

Are lies ever ok?

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I’ve been talking to someone lately and we seem to be getting along pretty well which is unusual for me.  Usually it will start of slow and stay that way for a while before any hint of getting along well comes along.  I’ve had plenty of crap in the past where I’ve let myself go fully into it and been burned for that so I’m trying to control how far I let myself go this time.  Due to impending death (tribunal on Monday 9th) I’m pretty highly strung right now and anxiety is playing a part in making me distance myself from everyone.  To their credit the person didn’t run away and I was glad about that thinking maybe, just maybe, it would be different this time.

Fast foward to tonight and while talking and on cam I can see them typing away like nobodies business and laughing but they weren’t talking to me so I asked what was funny and who they were talking to.  The answer?  “Noone” ….. I tried to let it go but couldn’t so I waited a few more minutes, saw more laughing and typing that wasn’t to me and I asked the same question.  Same answer.  Why lie?  You’re obviously talking to SOMEONE.  If you don’t want to tell me that’s fine, tell me that but DON’T lie to me.  You wondered if something was wrong, yeah… you lied.  I don’t care if it was nothing, you chose to lie and it made me so angry.  I don’t see there ever being a time where lying is ok, especially not to someone you claim to love.

What’s going to happen now?  I’ve got no idea.  I’m not going to apologise for being upset when the reason I’m upset is that you lied to me for whatever reason you might have.  What if it means it ends here too?  Then so be it.  I’m tired of being lied to, I don’t care if it was nothing.  If it really was nothing you could’ve told me, it isn’t like I’m constantly looking over your shoulder quizzing you ever second of the day.  If I was like that I might understand but I’m not.  Will it end?  I don’t know but I wouldn’t be surprised if it did and for what?  A stupid lie that was so obvious.  Did you forget I was watching your cam too as well as the other person you weren’t (no typo there) talking to?  Say whatever to me when I mention all this?  Yeah.. nice one.  Don’t expect me to magically have forgotten about this when you feel like talking to me again.

Written by r4wr

February 7, 2009 at 12:52 am

Posted in life, medical

Tagged with , , ,

Dreams = bleh

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I’ve been having a lot of dreams the past few weeks and as usual for me the ones I remember are all depressing.  Waking up to face a new day is a challenge at the best of times, waking up to face a new day trembling with fear and gasping for air is ridiculous.  Until the past few weeks I’d be lucky to remember one or two dreams a month but now it’s one or two dreams a night.  I’m stressed to hell all day and now apparently I’m stressed to hell while dreaming too.  It might be related to how worried I am about both parents who have health issues to the point where I wake up if I hear one of them coughing at night in case they’re about to collapse.  Grabbing for the phone in my sleep, listening carefully just in case and hoping it’s nothing.

As if that’s not keeping me stressed 24/7 I can’t pull myself out of the regret phase over some people from my past.  Some that I don’t have any contact with, some that I do have contact with but so infrequently that I long for what we once had.  Is there some trick or technique to forgetting the past and moving on?  I’ve tried a lot of different things but all it takes is a few dreams about them to bring back all those feelings again and I’m back to where I started.

Written by r4wr

February 1, 2009 at 6:25 am

Posted in family, life

Mood swings

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I’ve tried to avoid anything that might bring on a mood swing from situations to people to places.  For the most part I’ve managed to do it but there have been a few times when I can be around someone, anyone, and all they have to do is talk.  It doesn’t matter what it’s about or even if they’re talking to me, just talking can be enough to set off the feeling of rage and anger inside me.  I don’t always notice it but it’s definitely there and trying to figure out the reason behind it is proving more than a little difficult.

I know what the main root cause is, my anxiety and panic attacks, but I don’t know what it is in the situations that provokes the response.  I hope I can figure it out sooner rather than later because I don’t enjoy feeling that way and it’ll only take one slip for me to really fly off the handle and tear into someone.

Written by r4wr

January 26, 2009 at 6:03 pm

Posted in life

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